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The Three Wise Women
Chris Longden, Features Writer
The joys of bringing-up children. This is how they talk to their mother!

HER: “I reckon that the women in our family are like …. The Three Wise Women.”

ME: “How so? Because we always listen to our dreams – and we wouldn’t want the Baby Jesus to have been murdered?”

HER: “Nah. I’m referring to the ‘WOMEN’ bit. Because we’ve got the sense to put our knickers on the radiator the night before we know it’s going to be a frosty morning. I’ve yet to see a man do that.”

ME: “And come to think of it, I don’t think that the Wise Men were particularly wise. Stupid gifts – a bit of bling, some posh body lotion and some sort of drug – for a baby. Hardly wise purchases.”

HER: “Actually, I’d say that they *were* pretty wise – turn up with those big grand showy-offy, grand gesture ‘oh I’m so important aren’t I’ gifts - and then let the women do the buying of Christmas presents for the next 2000 years. That’s dead clever. And cunning.”

HER: “I just love Christmas so much! I love everything about it – I don’t ever want to grow up and be like you and be turning into a mentalist and all stressed because you feel that you have to buy presents for a load of people - just because they get them for us. Me? I’m starting as I mean to go on. I’m buying no one nowt. Nowt! More women should do this.”

Also by Chris Longden...
A Mother And Her 13 Yr Old Daughter, Holmfirth Cafe On A Sunny Sunday
Inventions Of Paradise
A Re-Roofing Jobby
Part 3 - The Final Frontier: Stupidity Vs Maturity
The Maturing Year - Part 2…
ME: “Great. I’ll remind you of that in 30 years time, shall I?”

HER: “Yes you can. But you’ll be on your own in an old peoples’ home and no one will care what you say, anyway.”

HER: “I have a little daydream – that you and Dad don’t have weird jobs – that you have ordinary jobs, with ordinary working hours and you come home all nice and happy every day because you have a lovely boss and lovely people to work with.”

ME: “Ha. Just wait till you start work. Nice boss and nice colleagues – show me where! Anyway, the reality of that would be that I would never be home for you as much as I am. Nor Dad. And you wouldn’t get to do half of the stuff that you do with us, because of our ‘weird’ work.”

HER: “I’m sure there would be a way round it. You could just skype us from the traffic jam on the M62 or summat.”

ME: “Look, I know that that woman in the supermarket was a bit snippy with you but… well, you need to remember that not everybody likes children.”

HER: “I *do* realise that you know. And actually, I’m not even sure I’ll bother with having them myself if it makes me as old and as joyless as you. Still. I think that most people who don’t like kids are actually afraid of them. And that’s fair enough. We have the power to get rid of you all in a few years’ time.”

The Three Wise Women, 11th December 2017, 13:55 PM