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Roger Winterbottom
Features Writer
@ketonecop
1:28 PM 22nd February 2020
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Opinion

The Cummings and Goings of Government

 
Now that we have left the EU (well, sort of) and the long walk to freeport has begun, the leader of the country has turned his attention to domestic matters and is leaving his indelible imprint on the government. Yes, Dominic Cummings, the Montgomery Burns to Boris Johnson’s Waylon Smithers, is not so much making his mark as marking his territory by urinating all over the House. He has picked his next battle and appears for some reason to be taking on his own government. It’s slightly worrying that he doesn’t seem to realise that he doesn’t need to fight anymore. The Brexit referendum went his way; the general election went his way; the Conservatives have a huge majority; he appears to be in charge more than the PM. What are you still fighting for, Dom? You won, get over it.

As the cabinet was reshuffled, Sajid Javid managed to locate some principles and resigned as Chancellor rather than agreeing to sack his five advisers at Cummings’ insistence. The Saj Quintet still ended up being sacked after his resignation anyway, though I hope they were comforted by his loyalty. Speaking of loyalty and principle, I wonder what happened to that inquiry into Islamophobia in the Tory party that Javid had made Boris agree to though? I do hope it hadn’t been quietly and coincidentally dropped just after he was offered the job of Chancellor in the first place.

As for the rest of the cabinet, it seems to have been redesigned as an extreme version of the Peter Principle. Where the Peter Principle states that organisations promote people to their level of incompetence, the cabinet seems to have been reshuffled to eliminate any trace of competence in the first place. It’s what we might call the Priti Principle. How else can you explain the sacking of Julian Smith, the Northern Ireland Secretary? After three years of stalemate in the country, within one month of coming into the job Smith had got all sides talking to each other again and the Northern Ireland Assembly restored so that there is finally some government in the province again. Still you probably know you’re working for wrong company if you get to the end of your one month probationary period and they’re disappointed that all you’ve managed to do is re-establish a functioning government. “Sorry we have to let you go, Julian, but we really think you should have finished building a bridge across to Scotland at the same time.”

Meanwhile, the new Attorney General, Suella Braverman, has also been making waves, talking about taking back control (I’m sure I’ve heard that phrase before), this time from “unelected, unaccountable” judges and the courts. I hate to break the news to her, but you’d think the Attorney General might know that it’s parliament makes the laws; all the courts do is follow them. As for unelected and unaccountable, I can think of one person closer to home who fits that description rather better.

Which brings us back to Cummings, and this week one of his newly employed “weirdos and misfits”, Andrew Sabinsky, was found, perhaps unsurprisingly, to have views that a weirdo or misfit might have. He is now newly unemployed again.

It does come to something, though, when the prime minister’s spokesman is asked the question 32 times, but is unable to confirm or deny whether the PM believes that black people are less intelligent than white. Maybe if the spokesman had a different skin colour he may not have found that one quite so difficult? Besides believing that skin colour affects intelligence, one of Sabinsky’s other ideas was that some sort of state-imposed neutering should be enforced to prevent a permanent underclass being created by unplanned pregnancies. Perhaps he should have mentioned that to Boris a bit earlier, who does have form in that area.

Speaking of whom, the Prime Minister seems to have disappeared from sight again. He’s come in for a lot of criticism in the last week for not taking action over the floods that have enveloped much of the country, neither visiting any of the flooded areas nor calling a meeting of the COBRA emergency committee. In fact, the floods are all part of his plan to “level up” the country. He just hadn’t made it clear he meant sea level.

The new government has also been attacking the BBC, presumably for wanting to do unreasonable things like interview the PM during an election campaign. One of the changes proposed for the BBC is to stop its employees from earning extra money from second jobs. An anonymous source (no need to be shy, Dominic, we know it’s you!) said: “It’s an outrage that people who make their profile at public expense should seek to give themselves further financial rewards and personal gain. They’re basically making their names on the taxpayer and then cashing in.” Do you want to tell him about Boris or shall I? Still, Johnson did describe that extra £275,000 salary he got from the Telegraph as chicken feed, so perhaps it doesn’t count.

But while all this continues, the government must hardly be able to believe its luck: not only do they have a huge majority but there is no opposition whatsoever while the Labour leadership race drags on interminably. Cummings must be rubbing his hands together and, like Mr. Burns, malevolently intoning: “Excellent.”