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Spiders
Luce Smith, Features Writer
Spider 1 photo by Iain Fergus
I would have a whole lot more respect for spiders, if they did more than just 'killing flies'. Honestly, I would.

Shouldn't there be like a referendum/annual vote about it? "Ok so who is voting for spiders to have the power this year? And who is voting for flies to have power this year? Your vote is important, so please, text in your vote".

Maybe at the time, during the creating season, the flies were really bad. In fact, if God was going through his master plan whilst sat in a smelly stable or cow shed, and the flies vs. spiders debate came up, he would have chosen spiders to win. Same applies if he was sitting down by the lakeside and the same debate came up, spiders would win every time! Anything to get rid of those bloomin flies. This is of course before aircon and fly spray were invented.

But now, we have fewer flies, and in my opinion, not due to clever spiders keeping the numbers down, but due to improved conditions. Or is it? Has someone powerful got a partnership with the spider family, a bit like immigration, where they can only let so many flies in?

I don't like spiders. But I don't mind them either. After seeing the biggest one yet in my house, and smashing it to pieces, it was brought to my attention, that they are in fact living creatures, not created to scare the living day lights out of me (odd saying that, where did that originate from I wonder? Oh Google..........) and that I was being terribly mean.

Gulp. Yes, I suppose I was really. But the new age spiders are so big, and I'm a girl, are you sure we're meant to be nice to them and let them stay in the house?

Bring on the next spider that's spotted in my house, I can do this, I can be kind and......oh my, it's another gigantic number. I look around for something to throw on it, so as not to kill, but to trap it. Nothing suitable. I have to take deep breaths and step over the spider, to get a tupperware number from the kitchen. I go back up, and the spider hasn't moved. I don't see any flies, so wonder why it's here in the first place actually. Is it lost? Has sat nav given a dud instruction?

I tell the spider (yes, out loud), that I'm going to make its office space very small, and plunge down a small tub over it. Phew. Think I'm shaking a little. Now is the tricky bit. Getting the caged spider to now roll with me, and sit quietly whilst I transfer its bottom sheet onto new ground. Without an escape, I manage to sit the caged spider on top of the newspaper. Excellent. Progress is being made.

I'm shaking a bit more now, as I wonder what to do next. I can't throw it out of the window as it might backfire and come straight back at me. I have to take it out of the house and into the yard. I tell the spider as I'm walking down the stairs, that he's lost and I'm going to re-route him. We get outside and I place him on the floor. I have to bring myself to remove the tub so he can go and play freely, but it's not easy.

I hope no one can see me! I think about leaving it trapped, and perhaps the wind will pick up, blow the tub away and the spider can live happily ever after. I can't do that, would have been quicker to smash it with the yellow pages! No wonder the new yellow pages came out in September.....ready for spider month!

Lift up the tub, and run. I did it. Ran straight back in the house, locked and bolted the door and ran upstairs. Yikes, that wasn't easy, but I did save a spider. I feel empowered, and ready for the next one.

Ah, 1842, the phrase was actually used when you had the living daylight beaten out of you! Which is what I did to a spider, before I became a spider social worker. Ooooop. Ok, spiders are welcome to stay at all times ..........
Spiders, 17th October 2016, 9:38 AM