fiction
Diary of a Sociopathic Vicar – Part 49
It does, however, suggest an idea similar to that of a conscience – that undefinable something that helps us tell right from wrong. And that is where the sociopath hits a brick wall. Conscience does not come easily to a sociopath. Indeed, it is something that I can only achieve with considerable effort. Like Karma. It just isn’t me.
Therefore, when the Bishop’s office e-mailed me to say that they wanted St James to form a Local Ecumenical Partnership – an LEP in the jargon - with the Methodists, I knew that it wasn’t because of bad Karma, as I don’t have any. Instead, it was due to the Diocese being more dense than usual. Hence, I picked up the phone to get in touch with the Bishop’s office, immediately.
After about a dozen rings, the phone was answered.
“Office of the Bishop’s Chaplain,” said a lady from the other end.
“Hello, this is David Wilson, from St James, Sutley. Could I speak to the chaplain, please?”
“I’ll just pass you over.”
There were muffled sounds of a handset being passed across a desk.
“Oh, hello David, this is Wendy, the chaplain. I was hoping you might call.”
This is typical Diocesan thinking. You want to talk to someone, so you ask the work placement student to e-mail them in the hopes that they will call you. This gives the work placement student something useful to do, and saves you from having to understand complicated technology like computers and telephones.
“Hello, Wendy. I’ve just had an e-mail about a St James forming an LEP with the local Methodists.”
“Oh, yes – I think this is a very exciting opportunity for development of the local church, don’t you?”
“Although I can see the possibilities, I feel there is a slight flaw in the plan.”
“Really? What’s that?”
“There is no Methodist church in Sutley. It closed about ten years before I arrived.”
“Yes, but there are still Methodists in Sutley.”
“So why don’t they have a church?”
“Because there’s not enough of them to support it.”
“What do they do, then?”
“Oh, they go to various Methodist churches in the area, like Kilbeck, or I think there’s a couple of Methodist churches in Musdon. I don’t know, really, but I’m sure they do something.”
“Can you tell me how this proposal came about?”
“I believe the Superintendent Minister for the local Circuit approached the Bishop.”
A Methodist Circuit is half way in size between a parish and a diocese, roughly like a Church of England deanery. Please note that I have no objections to the Methodist Church. It is no worse than the Church of England – but I do have an objection to other people interfering with how I run my church.
“And what was the Superintendent Minister suggesting?”
“The usual kind of Ecumenical Partnership – we share our building with the Methodists and they recognise you so that you can take services on the Methodist Circuit.”
“So, they get the free use of our new church at our expense, and in return, I wander around their Circuit, taking their services so they don’t have to?”
“Yes, that’s it.”
It occurs to me that perhaps I should give a brief explanation of the Methodists and LEPs. In the 1700’s, the Church of England had lost its way – again. A priest called John Wesley started addressing many of the faults, particularly with regards to the social issues of the time. It wasn’t popular with the establishment, but he was determined to work from within. Indeed, on his death bed, he told his followers to remain with the Church of England. Naturally, before his body was cold they split away to form the Methodist Church. Over the years, they forgot John’s teachings, thinking the same result could be achieved through committee meetings and really long sermons. Really, really long sermons. Many years later, people realised how silly the whole thing had been, especially as they had identical beliefs. They started to look for a way for the two churches to stop being so childish and work together again, resulting in the first ecumenical experiments in the 1960’s.
If you fast-forward to today, people are trying really hard to forget the good bits of the ecumenical movement. Methodists think it means that the Church of England will all become Methodists. Anglicans think the Methodists have a little grasp of theology or liturgy, plus they preach for too long.
My position is simply that this pettiness is an unnecessary distraction from my primary objective of becoming Archbishop of Canterbury. At that time I will give the situation my full attention.
“I can see how this will benefit the Methodists,” I said, “But this is a partnership, and partnerships are a two-way street. I am unsure what they will be giving to the partnership.”
“St James will be part of an ecumenical partnership.”
“It is only a partnership if both sides contribute. At the moment, I am unable to see what the Methodists will contribute.”
“They will let you take services on the Methodist Circuit.”
“How does that benefit St James? And do not tell me that we will be part of an ecumenical partnership.”
“St James will be part... I... I’m not sure that you are viewing this very openly.”
“I am sure that you agree that it is necessary for me to be honest with my church council.”
“Where that is consistent with the mission of the Church, then yes, of course.”
“Which as the Church follows the God of Truth clearly means always.”
Wendy sounded uncomfortable as she said, “Subject to certain limits, dependent on the interpretation of truth, then I would provide contextual agreement for specific instances of that statement.”
On occasions, I have wondered why God would call me to become Archbishop of Canterbury. After a few minutes on the phone to someone like Wendy, the reason is clear. It is to remove people like her.
Still, she was Chaplain to the Bishop. Which is to say, she was the Bishop’s Personal Assistant – yes, I know if you read the job description it adds criteria about theological understanding, but if you cross out the religious bits, it could be the PA for any corporate management type. This means she has the ear of the Bishop, and that means that I should not upset her unnecessarily.
“Allow me to put this another way,” I said. “There are some quite remarkable people on the church council at St James. They will immediately see that this arrangement has nothing to offer St James, and has some significant downsides. In its present form it will not be possible to get the agreement of the church council.”
Of course, this was giving the church council somewhat more credit than was due, but dependent on the interpretation of truth, I was comfortable with that, at least for the purposes of contextual agreement. Still, it caused Wendy to pause – suggesting that it was a long time since she last dealt with a church council.
“Perhaps,” she said, “It might help if you were to have bilateral talks with the Superintendent Minister.”
“I think that might be a good idea,” I said. After all, it seemed that it would be difficult to get out of this one, so far better that someone competent – in other words, me – should lead the negotiations, rather than the Bishop’s Chaplain.
Wendy agreed to make the arrangements with the Superintendent Minister, to “enable the construction of a preliminary discussion framework”.
Meanwhile, I had a secret, heretical society to destroy, and this nonsense has delayed me yet again from investigating the background of one of its leaders, the Rev. Graham Walters. As I delved into his past, I realised that this was something that I really needed to have done sooner.
Oh, dear.
Disclaimer: The Rev. David Wilson appears to have an unduly negative view of Local Ecumenical Partnerships, which can bring numerous benefits to local churches. However, it must be noted with much reluctance that Methodist sermons really are rather long.
A map of Sutley may be found here:
https://kevinwoodauthor.com/SutleyMap.htm