For the sake of nostalgia, I recently re-watched Jurassic Park, the 1993 original. I’m 41 now, but still jumped during the infamous T. rex scene. My other half then suggested we download the rest of the franchise. “Sure,” I said without thinking. Then my heart sank as I discovered there were six instalments to rent, plus a seventh in the cinema, which I’d then feel obliged to see. How had so many blockbusters passed me by? Maybe I’d ceased to be the core demographic? After all, I’m no longer 10 years old. Or perhaps I’d written JP off as a cash grab exercise. Indeed, it’s an unstoppable production line these days, rather like the Rocky franchise. Who knows, maybe the two will converge someday. Rocky vs. T. Rex? Crazier things have happened. Anyhow, I’ve now seen all seven, and it’s been a mixed bag. So, for what it’s worth, here’s my two penneth on the septet.

Jurassic Park (1993): the first and, in my humble opinion, the best. Not only did it do justice to Michael Crichton’s source material, but it kick-started a brand that’s now as rampant as the prehistoric reptiles it depicts. When Spielberg gets it right – and let’s face it, he does most of the time – he nails it with a sturdy nine-incher. The CGI still holds up – better, arguably, than some of its sequels– and the characters are still engaging and multidimensional: from Sam Neill’s Dr. Grant, replete with Indiana Jones-style fedora, to Laura Dern’s bubbly-but-no-nonsense palaeobotanist, Dr. Sattler; not forgetting Jeff Goldblum’s Dr. Malcolm,the wisecracking mathematician (sorry, chaotician) in black leathers and shades. It’s always worthwhile taking the time to create likeable characters. That way, you tend to be in their corner and hope a 12-foot carnivore doesn't gobble them.

Next, we have The Lost World (1997), and here the rot sets in almost immediately. I’m not a fan of sequels per se and tend to steer clear of films with ‘2’ in the title. The Lost World doesn’t commit this faux pas, at least, which is one of its few saving graces. After the success of JP, The Lost World was always going to have its work cut out, even with Spielberg staying on to direct. There are some good set pieces, notably when a pair of T. rexes force a science cabin over the edge of a cliff, leaving the protagonists dangling for their lives over crashing waves. But the final product, sadly, is a dark, damp, low-power sequel. The antagonists are mono-dimensionally evil – all big business and ex-special forces types, bent on returning to the ill-fated island for profit. Though Jeff Goldblum reprises his role as Dr. Malcolm, he struggles to carry the film single-handedly. Spielberg would later describe The Lost World as a low point in his career. Yes, it was a commercial success upon release – but then again, they all are. Even the absolute turkeys. Or should that be six-foot turkeys?

It’s always worthwhile taking the time to create likeable characters. That way, you tend to be in their corner and hope a 12-foot carnivore doesn't gobble them.

Jurassic Park III (2001): the worst of the pile! The one so bad they didn’t even bother with a tagline. “Let’s just call it Jurassic Park III,” they said. “Because it’s the third one, yeah.” Cue incomprehensible chase scene 20 minutes in, and it’s at this point you realise the filmmakers aren’t interested in telling a story; they’re trying simply to create the modern-day equivalent of a 1950s monster movie, in which case I’d rather be watching one of those. Give me Tarantula! or Them! any day. Whereas JP (1993) at least tried to assemble a decent script, which considered the moral implications of dabbling with dangerous science, JP3 sets the trend for doing ‘none of that’, opting instead for style over substance and a constant barrage of claws, roars, and helicopter crashes. My head was throbbing after this one! The premise is simple: an estranged couple hire Sam Neill, reprising his role wearily as Dr. Grant, to help them rescue their stranded son from the dino-infested archipelago. “No, no, no, you can’t land on this island,” Neill exclaims, but what he’s really saying is, “No, no, no, you can’t give me this script!” Other cast members include character actor William H. Macy, who looks about as surprised to find himself there as the rest of us, and Téa Leoni, whose sole purpose, it seems, is to scream. And scream she does, continuously. Finally, Laura Dern returns in an extended cameo to help with the rescue effort, because it seems Dr. Grant’s ex-fling has a direct line to the Pentagon and can order a recovery at the drop of a hat. Strewth! JP3 appeared in cinemas 24 years ago. I didn’t go to see it at the time, but I still want my money back.

Jurassic World (2015): a very interesting one, this. For me, it’s the franchise’s second-best outing, primarily because it attempts something different, rebooting proceedings with a fresh cast of characters and a brand-new premise. The theme park is open again, rebranded as (you guessed it) ‘Jurassic World’. Only this time, it’s up and running as it should’ve been, had all gone to plan in JP (1993). Tourists are flooding in, shovelling junk food, and petting baby Diplodocuses. Basically, it’s Center Parcs with dinosaurs. Plus, we now have ‘gyrospheres’ – plexiglass pod-like vehicles that the visitors use to flit about the terrain with ease, and these are seriously cool! Chris Pratt, of Guardians of the Galaxy fame, tops the bill, and this is an appropriate casting choice, for in line with this, JW seems to borrow stylistically from the already tried-and-tested Marvel Studios formula with great results. The finished movie is big, bright, and positive; the dialogue is fast-paced, snappy, and peppered with healthy doses of humour; and there is a natural rapport between the characters. Overall, JW sees a change of approach that pays off and gives the series a fresh lease of life. B. D. Wong reprises his role as Dr. Wu, one of the original scientists from JP (1993) – this time settling nicely into the part of Dr. Frankenstein (or should it be Dr. Moreau?) with scene-chewing gusto, splicing different animal DNAs to build the ultimate scary monster for the public’s delectation. Bollywood legend Irfan Khan also joins the ensemble as the new CEO, though they waste him midway in a pointless helicopter accident. But it’s the closing set piece that deserves special merit. As the ragtag band of humans struggles against the final foe, they call upon an old favourite for backup: the good old T. rex. And I swear, as Rexy marched onstage to the original theme tune, my inner child fist-bumped the air and yelled, “Hell yeah!”

Jurassic Park: Fallen Kingdom (2018): part two of the reboot trilogy. This time, the volcano on the island of Isla Nublar is about to erupt, which will mean bye-bye to our dinosaur friends. So, one of the former partners scrambles a task force, with Chris Pratt in tow, to rescue them. But upon return to civilisation, it transpires that the plan all along was to sell the dinosaurs to the highest bidder. Character actor Toby Jones even rocks up, sporting his best quiff and twisted lip, to play an auctioneer. At the same time, we discover that the old partner, not content with cloning dinosaurs, has also branched out into tampering with human DNA to give his deceased daughter a new lease of life. Fallen Kingdom has the unenviable task of returning to the theme park after the fire has blazed and the animals have bolted. The Lost World faced the same difficulty, but Fallen Kingdom makes a far better fist of things. For one, the showdown with the Indoraptor is worth the ticket fee alone. The movie also deviates from the franchise’s unwritten rule – plant-eaters good, meat-eaters bad – and endears us to some of the brand’s snappier characters. Indeed, Chris Pratt manages to tame a Velociraptor called Blue, who comes good in the final act and rescues him from the boss antagonist in the nick of time. Overall, there are plenty of high points, and Fallen Kingdom counts as another solid entry.

If aliens were to land tomorrow, we’d freak out for a week, then things would normalise, and we’d be back to complaining about potholes in no time.

Jurassic World Dominion (2022) is where things begin to come apart at the seams. After escaping captivity, the dinosaurs are now settling nicely into our ecosystem. Indeed, the opening scene features a Mosasaurus capsizing a trawler in the open sea. Meanwhile, Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard’s characters are living off-grid in Sierra Nevada, balancing a side gig freeing captive dinos from poachers. Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, and Sam Neill all reprise their roles in a subplot concerning mutant locusts, which leads them to Jurassic Park’s rival firm in the Dolomite mountains. Though it’s nice to see them again, the whole ‘getting the band back together’ routine is problematic. Do we root for the old lineup or the new? Meanwhile, B. D. Wong crops up again as the super villain’s lab assistant, although this time he’s had a change of heart and feels remorseful about his latest science experiment gone wrong. He redeems himself at the end, however, by developing a pathogen to curb the locust problem, which, admittedly, was a problem of his own making, but it still counts. The problem with JWD is that it’s trying to be all things to all men – a mashup of JP, The Bourne Supremacy,and The X-Files. The unlikely chase scene over the rooftops of Valletta, for example, just feels out of place in a JP movie. Also, the CGI is now so good, it’s bad, anthropomorphically speaking (at the beginning of the movie, a baby Nasutoceratops has an almost Disney-like expression of distress). Lastly, and most preposterous of all, the clone girl makes a reappearance – now a moody teenager but managing to stay on the right side of annoying – and, for some reason, presumably because she, too, is a product of genetic manipulation, she now has Force powers and can halt attacking Velociraptors in their tracks. Now this really is the icing on the cake. The minute we start veering into star child territory, we know we’ve gone too far!

Jurassic World Rebirth (2025). Now we’re up to date. I did go to the cinema after all, and I nearly cried at the price - £20.25! When did it get so expensive? That said, the cinema is definitely the best environment for these movies. The big screen does justice to them visually, and the Dolby surround sound guarantees you’ll jump at all the right moments. JWR opens with yet another secret facility with more lethal lizards in production. In a stark instance of product placement, a casually dropped Snickers wrapper brings down security and unleashes the latest terror, which promptly wipes everyone out. Cue opening credits – still very Marvel-esque, which, again, is appropriate because we now have Black Widow’s Scarlett Johansson at the helm. In this outing, the novelty of resurrected dinos has worn off, and the public has lost interest. Which is about right. If aliens were to land tomorrow, we’d freak out for a week, then things would normalise, and we’d be back to complaining about potholes in no time. So, the dinosaurs are now living in no-go areas close to the equator. But a rogue operator wants their DNA for medicine, so it’s time to pester them again. He hires a new band of mercenaries for the assignment, but Johansson’s character isn’t interested at first – that is, until he drops a bag of gold at her feet, at which point she’s in. It’s the same formula every time. But JWR does differ in one respect: its first act is sea-based. So, for a change, the protagonists find themselves bedevilled by amphibious menaces. Basically, it’s JP meets Jaws. And these sequences are particularly impressive. When we get to land, however, things get a little too close to JP3 for comfort. On the plus side, we now have Mutadons (winged dinosaurs), and JWR treats us to some impressive aerial shots, with plenty of limbs flailing and elongated beaks snapping. But they always save the biggest, stompiest monster till last, and this is where things are starting to get a bit silly with the franchise now. Let’s face it, the new Distortus rex doesn’t even resemble a dinosaur anymore – more of a cross between the Queen from Aliens and the cave troll from The Lord of the Rings.

And there you have it: my roundup of the whole snarling saga. Whereas some franchises nowadays feel like much-plundered tombs with nothing left to run with (we don’t need any more Halloween reboots, surely), the JP franchise still has fangs – literally – and the old beast still has life in it yet. So, let’s see what they cook up next. But let’s not overdo it. Dinosaurs walked the earth for 165 million years. Hopefully, the JP franchise won’t run for quite as long!